In groundbreaking work, Senior Ashley Pasely claims that Shakespeare may have been one of the English Language’s “most important authors.” Citing heretofore little known studies, using statistical data from surveys, and her own finely developed “intuition for good writing,” Tennessee college graduate claims Shakespeare to be “a writer of important things which are both deep and beautiful.”
In her graduation speech, she promised to interrogate the bard’s poetic skills in a future work. “I expect to find that he was a pretty good and important poet too, but the jury is still out.” Fans can expect this study to take several more years to complete as it may require at least one if not more graduate level degrees.
Meanwhile, Shakespeare scholars nod in embarrassed agreement. A secretary from Folgers’ Shakespeare Library in Washington was heard to comment, “I don’t know how we missed it, but in all these years we have never possessed a single thorough-going work that unquestionably showed Shakespeare was indeed one of the most important writers of the English language.” Brought under an uncomfortable spotlight were many college and high school English teachers who allowed students to make claims about the greatness of the bard without citing any reputable academic sources. One apologetic high school theater instructor said, “at least future students will have the luxury of basing their hackneyed introductory remarks on solid factual evidence.” No longer will students introduce their readers to this “Shakespeare” in pure conjecture. Students can be certain now that when every single one of them assures their teachers that Shakespeare is the a great writer, such is not merely their opinion, but that of the unified academic community. Here is to Shakespeare, one of the best
Same & Other 
hahahahaha. so gross….
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