- Pay very close attention to your grades
Grades are the things of which character, joy, and knowledge are made of. But they are wily little buggers that are bound to do all sorts of stuff if you don’t watch them.
Your father and mother love you, but they are probably far away. Even if they are here, they can’t tell you how much they love you every minute. Grades are love written permanently in black and white. Are you struggling to know if God loves you? Are you uncertain if you are saved? Are you worthy of love? Check your grades!
These things are hard to know. You cannot trust your conscience, your friends, your family, or your pastor. You can’t even trust your professors (they always made straight A’s).
2. Measure your progress and all future success and happiness by your grades
Back in the dark ages, they didn’t have grades. It was a mystery what would happen to folks. Nobody even knew if they were happy. That’s why they turned to Astrology. In fact, the resurgence of Astrology is due to a lack of awareness about grades. The difference is that in Astrology there are twelve fascinating signs to be born under, in grades there are 100 signs, but only one of them is good.
But seriously, what are you going to do? Are you going to reflect on the quality of your work, the attention and time you gave to a project, what you learned, whether you love a subject, your neighbor, or God more? Have you lost your mind?
3. Compare grades with your peers
This one is really important! We are a Christian learning community. It is not just about you. How are you going to contribute to the vitality of this fellowship?
Don’t be selfish! Ask your friends about their grades. This is really important. How can you pretend to know someone, if you don’t know what they scored on a project?
You might be the only one who can remind your friends how much numbers matter!
And while you are chatting, be sure to ask them how much they weigh and how much money their parents make. Numbers are really important, folks!
4. Resent your professors who do not give you the grades you want, your peers who get better grades, and yourself for not scoring higher
A college can only give out only a certain number of grades to each professor. Once they use them up, they are gone. If you didn’t get a good grade, it is because your professor doesn’t like you, or because they like someone else better. However, it could also be because you disagreed with them that one time. Don’t ever do that.
There is nothing easier for a professor than to take grades from a student. After all, they get to keep what’s left over at the end of the year.
5. Do not pay attention to your professor’s comments or suggestions.
These are red herrings. Keep your eyes fixed on what is above, not below.
Or, if you do pay attention, do so in the most perfunctory manner possible, mainly as a rule follower.
Do not ever put there suggestions into practice. For instance, if your professor says, “it would be important to think x through,” or “be sure to begin this assignment by y date,” you can be pretty sure that is all balderdash. They are just getting old and making word-noises. It comforts them to repeat things they have said in the past, when they were young, even if it never made sense in the first place.
Do not forget, everyone is trying to steal your numbers from you. If you keep your eye on them, you can’t go wrong.
Same & Other 
Ahh…and that, my friend, is why I do not like real life. It doesn’t give me grades. School was easy. Life it too much like living.
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